Dear Wedgey,
Sorry we didn't see you at the wedding. Awfully back luck old man, wrapping your new car round that police officer. Many apologies also that it's been so long since I wrote you, or indeed anyone. I only got back to Cairo on Monday after spending eight weeks at home much to the annoyance of my tutor and my father but the delight of my mother.
I must say you missed a corking wedding. The Wedding itself went off without much of a hitch but nevertheless, there was plenty to keep us entertained, even if it was unintentional. See through Charlie has now been renamed See-round Charlie on account of the fact that he has for the first time in his twenty-eight years put on weight, a considerable amount of weight in fact. So much so that when stood by the window at the reception, he blocked out most of the light and had to be asked to move by the photographer.
Langers, slightly the worst for wear, called out a different name during the exchanging of the vowels at which point the whole congregation gasped in horror, only for the groom to turn round irritatedly and point out that he had said one of Kitty's middle names first instead of her forename; she does after all have about six and that's a challenge for any man. Add to this, the fact that Kitty is her third second name and it's no wonder that the old man got confused, sober or in this case otherwise. You would have thought that the vicar might have helped out and prompted him, but he was left to struggle on alone until Kitty very sportingly too over from him, handing over only for the obligatory 'I do's'. We later found out that the vicar used to be an old flame of Kitty's and the flame was not quite spent in him.
The real highlight of the day or lowlight though, depending on your point of view was Lottie's antics. I spent two days with her shopping in London and wandering round the Botanical Gardens in Kew to cheer her up. In the end she found her own way of finding solace by sloping off during the ceremony with a bottle of wine only to be discovered a couple of hours later in a cupboard and in a very compromising position with Cousin Bunty all people. Bunty! I mean for God's sake, how low can the old girl go. I was expecting her to pull something off , but Bunty? There were large numbers of fine prostrate men in various states of inebriation to choose from and she chose Bunty!
As you can imagine, all hell let loose. They're not related by blood or anything but they are family. Auntie Jane (Bunty's mother) as you can imagine, took a very firm line and said that they both now had to get married to save both their's and the family's blushes, not that either of them were in the slightest embarrassed by the escapade. Lottie slurred that it was just a bit of fun.
My Aunt was very set on the idea because the dignity of the family had to be preserved and for the first time since he was born, a girl had shown the vaguest albeit heavily influenced, interest in Bunty and this was the best shot she had at marrying him off. My Uncle (Lottie's father) then promptly swore at Aunt Jane and strode off in the direction of the bar. Aunt Jane then turned to Lottie and cried, "You silly, stupid girl. What if you get pregnant?"
Lottie stood there swaying in the breeze and thought for a moment and then slurred, I'm no expert in ana-, anata- anatalo-," she took a big sigh, "bodies, but I do know that you can't get pregnant with your tonsils!"
At first Aunt Jane seemed puzzled and then disgusted as Lottie's words gained form and meaning. Seeing the chance to marry her unique offspring off slipping away and suddenly being confronted with an unnecessarily detailed account of her son's sexual encounter, she shouted 'Harlot!' At which point Lottie corrected her and cried "It's pronounced Harlow!", before spinning on her heels, almost falling over in the process and flouncing of after her father in the direction of the bar.
So that was the floor show, played out in front of small pockets of people throughout the hotel, rather like street theatre as the players moved the drama from one place to another, taking the action from room to room. It's taken weeks for things to calm down and for people to start talking to each other. And in the middle of all this, I had an unexpected encounter myself.
As the Wedding evening wore on, the guests melted away and all that were left were cads, women of questionable virtue and of course myself, sitting with my feet propped up on the table with a whisky in my hand and my bow-tie now undone and draped loosely around my neck. The band played in the background and women draped themselves on the men on the dance floor and in some cases men were draped on women who staggered under the weight. All of a sudden, my whisky glass was taken from my hand, placed gently onto the table next to me and a slim but shapely silhouette grabbed my other hand and encouraged me to my feet. Being slightly the worse for wear myself I complied and was lead onto the dance floor. The lighting was now quite low, no doubt to spare the blushes of the guest who were left, as was my own visual acuity and I couldn't see the face of the lady I now had in my arms but I could feel her. She stood very close with her head upon my chest and my right arm was around her curvaceous figure, whilst my left felt the warm, smooth skin of her shoulder which poked out from her dress. We danced together for it must have been two to three songs, then she turned, kissed me and was gone. I caught only a glimpse of a red satin dress and dark hair as she left and at breakfast, I asked my host and a couple of other guests if they knew who she was. No one did and inevitably many assumed that I had imagined it and that it had all been part of a drunken stupor. But I tell you it was no dream.
Anyway, hope you and your fiancee are on the mend.
All the best.
Your chum, Jack.
(Editor - although most guests could not recall, further research reveals that the lady in question did actually exist. One male guest recalls in his journal, a 'beautiful creature wearing a red dress who arrived late in the evening and didn't like men.' Distinguishing features, apart from dark hair and ruby red lips were reported to be a heart shaped tattoo just over the right breast. Baring in mind the dimness of the light and reading between the lines, we must assume that the guest in question got pretty close to view the tattoo and his advances were not altogether well received.)
