Letter from Cairo dated 22nd April 1927

Dearest Mama,

I trust you are both well. Wedgy told me that you had been having a spot of bother with a rogue badger. Why a badger would seek solace in Cook's undergarments is anyone's guess. True, they are extraordinarily generous in size, in order to accommodate a rump seldom seen outside the occupants of a dairy farm and the weather has been ghastly as I understand it, so maybe it was looking for warmth and shelter. I can only guess how Cook reacted when she found the creature wrapped up in it, in the washing basket. To then give chase after the creature bolted with the garments trailing behind it, must have been a sight to behold. Apparently the Gardener needed to douse her in water at the end to stop her overheating; a situation very similar to that of the foaming hide of a horse after it has completed a steeplechase under the baking hot sun I imagine, though she is no thoroughbred by any means.

In fact, the appearance of Cook with her unique countenance, graceless poise and thunderous demeanour was always guaranteed to strike fear in the bravest of hearts in any situation. The creature was fortunate not to have been caught. It wouldn't have surprised me if she would have put it in the pot for Sunday lunch with papa being none the wiser despite picking out Badger hairs from between his teeth.

Nothing exciting happening here except a minor uprising. Happens every week. I say uprising but it was more of show of solidarity and strength against the authorities which demonstrated ironically very little strength or solidarity as only five chaps turned up. I understand there were to be more but there was some confusion as to where they were meeting up, so ten ended up waiting in a shop drinking coffee. The five ringleaders on the other hand ran into the market place, brandishing swords, shouting angrily at the bustling market only to bump into a large battalion of heavily armed British soldiers, at which point they lowered their swords and sauntered off quietly into the crowd. All in all, a bit underwhelming but the swordplay was just magnificent.

Just to let you know,  I will be coming home in a couple of weeks. Bunty is getting married! Yes, who'd have thought it. Anyway, will send a telegram when I have a firm date so that you can get my room ready.

Your ever loving son,

Jack

Letter dated 1st April to Mr Andrew Langton from Cairo

Dear Langers,

Great news! The large Bunty shaped threat has suddenly receded. Actually when I say great, I mean good because it's only a temporary reprieve. But really when you think about it, it's not that good either as it is inevitable that he will come over at some time. In fact it's more like being granted leave to appeal against a sentence to the gallows knowing that it is a wholly futile gesture. To be honest then, it's bloody awful news.
I would rewrite this letter but I'm running out of writing paper and papyrus doesn't react well to being folded and stuffed into an envelope, so I'm afraid this will have to do.

Let's move on to something more cheerful. Delighted to hear about your planned and impending nuptials. She's a corker as I've always said and it's about time you two got knotted. I would be delighted to join you for the big day. No problem at my end regarding the venue. A trip back to Blighty will be just the ticket as I can drop in on Mumsy and collect some urgent supplies before my return. I am badly running out of paper of another kind and once again Papyrus is not a good substitute, although I have tried; Couldn't sit down for a week with all the paper cuts. Let me know what you want for a wedding present by the way. In the mean time, I will try to find a lady to accompany me; not easy stuck in Cairo with my time split between earning some serious cash and an ever demanding tutor. He's threatened to take me to a dig so that I can help him excavate a large amount of dirt to unearth some dusty ancient relics. Not really my caper. I prefer watching someone else shovel through mountains of dirt with their eyes red and stinging from the dust, someone else to then clean up the relic and then pass it on to me to sell to a museum. Apparently that doesn't count as archeology but it does count as good business sense.

Best wishes.

Jack