Letter dated 1st April to Mr Andrew Langton from Cairo

Dear Langers,

Great news! The large Bunty shaped threat has suddenly receded. Actually when I say great, I mean good because it's only a temporary reprieve. But really when you think about it, it's not that good either as it is inevitable that he will come over at some time. In fact it's more like being granted leave to appeal against a sentence to the gallows knowing that it is a wholly futile gesture. To be honest then, it's bloody awful news.
I would rewrite this letter but I'm running out of writing paper and papyrus doesn't react well to being folded and stuffed into an envelope, so I'm afraid this will have to do.

Let's move on to something more cheerful. Delighted to hear about your planned and impending nuptials. She's a corker as I've always said and it's about time you two got knotted. I would be delighted to join you for the big day. No problem at my end regarding the venue. A trip back to Blighty will be just the ticket as I can drop in on Mumsy and collect some urgent supplies before my return. I am badly running out of paper of another kind and once again Papyrus is not a good substitute, although I have tried; Couldn't sit down for a week with all the paper cuts. Let me know what you want for a wedding present by the way. In the mean time, I will try to find a lady to accompany me; not easy stuck in Cairo with my time split between earning some serious cash and an ever demanding tutor. He's threatened to take me to a dig so that I can help him excavate a large amount of dirt to unearth some dusty ancient relics. Not really my caper. I prefer watching someone else shovel through mountains of dirt with their eyes red and stinging from the dust, someone else to then clean up the relic and then pass it on to me to sell to a museum. Apparently that doesn't count as archeology but it does count as good business sense.

Best wishes.

Jack